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Yes I missed a day, but devastating news came. Aug.3rd/4th

Been sitting on this news for a few days, and now that it is out I really have to face it. My lovely, beautiful, caring niece was diagnosed with ALS.  I am sure most of you out there have heard of ALS or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig’s disease, from the “Ice Bucket challenge” Some of you may have even done the challenge and donated some money to research. Sadly our family has already lived through a loved one passing from ALS.  There is no cure, but with all the money raised for research there is  a lot more options to try now than before. But typically it is 3 to 5 year life taking diagnosis. If you have ever seen the affects of this horrible disease you will understand the toll it takes on not only the person but everyone around the person as well.

She is a vibrant, fun-loving, thoughtful mama with a 4yr old and a 11 year old at home and a husband that loves her so very much. It is just not fair!! I am sharing her link to her gofundme page in hopes that someone can donated and help. There are so many different research and case studies she could try and get into but missing work and, travel and medical expenses rack up quick. Please I am begging you, if you are able please donated to this amazing family!

https://www.gofundme.com/zjnfvw-living-with-als

Thank you to everyone who is taking the time to read this and thank you to all that are willing to donate. I am closing out now…. love , light and blessed be

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July 15th 2018 What NOW

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Hi again!! Another day and another baby step forward! Still mourning “what could have been” and trying to live with what is. I have circled back around , beating myself to a pulp just trying to figure out what the best avenue to take. What will do the most and the best for the greater good. Like most of you moms out there , kids come first. Now how to do what my kids need. Heck what do they really need? What is the most important and lease. I really just have a huge internal battle going on.

I can keep making my crafts and use my networking skills to get more sales. More sales equals more money for school clothes. But with any home business there are no guarantees that the sales will come in time.  Luckily some or most supplies are gonna be covered by a dear sweet friend that called today to ask if it was ok to buy them for us! I must have put enough good vibes out in the world to always have people looking out for me that is for sure. Yes I feel horrible getting help, that’s probably why I never ask for help unless it’s totally necessary. But like she gently reminded me, I wasn’t asking, she was offering. But we will leave Karma and Kindness for another post, because that together earns its very own post for sure.

Option two is to apply for some jobs that are close to home. Here is my big concern, I have Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis, and being tested for nerve disorders tomorrow. Some that I am being tested for have a life sentence. All that being said I worry about if anyone will hire me knowing that I have extreme health issues. I know some of you well cry out “just don’t tell them” . Well I have a problem with lies and withholding truths. Not only in my personal life but all aspects of life. It is just best. After everything that is going on in my personal life, I can’t even imagine not telling the truth and having to hide all the pain I am feeling now. That would be the pure definition of Hell on earth. What did the other person gain by lying to both sides…not a dang thing. I would work as hard as I am able but if for some reason I couldn’t I wouldn’t want to let anyone down.

Option three is probably the worst! Just do nothing! I have sat around for the last couple years being satisfied with just being a Mom, or just being a wife. I desperately need something that I can be proud of. Something that is all mine. I need to earn some money of my own that isn’t attached to anyone else. If you ever see your self esteem slipping away the first thing you need to ask yourself is “what have I done for me lately”. It is easy to blame others for your  lousy self esteem because of the way they treat you or the things they have done  to you, but your self esteem is yours to own. Hence the name “self esteem” and not “someones views of myself and my worth” I know its hard, especially when someone you love with all your soul says you were never worth it, it feels extra horrible. But you must move on and find some self worth. If you really need to work that extra bit, to prove to yourself that person was wrong, then shake that and get it done!

Hahahahaha again the babbling blogger does really strike again. I so went off topic. Ok maybe not completely. I just ran long on the $$$$ subject and options for getting more.

What else does my kids really need? They need at least one parent that is present, and healthy. A parent that will have the time to sit and kick the ball around, or sew a project or teach how to cook a favorite meal. Can I still do that when I am working, do I have it in me to do it all like I did so many years ago? Heck I am such a emotional nightmare right now I haven’t even been there for them as much as I should and that is  without working. A big portion of that is, I don’t want them to catch on to moms heart breaking. I don’t want them to feel the sadness that is running so deep right now. I don’t want them worried about my health because they were so traumatized by watching their grandma waste away to nothing before their eyes. I don’t want them to know. I want so much for my kids. Mostly to be happy and healthy, beyond that the rest is just extra!

I know I have to find my own answers in all this crazy stuff but for now I am pretty clueless. I am hoping test results come back quickly and I have a name for what is going on. It will clear up a lot and give me a road map to how my future is going to look no matter how long or short it may be. Guess I just need to connect with my Yoga instructor as soon as I can stand unassisted and find my mat. Find my peace and in that practice get the answers I need. She is a marvelous woman who has my back for so many years, she knows just how to talk to me and in what tone to make it all go quiet for awhile. You can follow this beautiful soul here… http://tribusmea.com/

I was gonna address Trolls on this post but nope, not tonight. They can’t control my thoughts anymore and I will speak about it on my time. Here is too better days! (and blog post that make a hell of a lot more sense!

Much love and Blessed Be

Kat

 

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July 14th 2018… 6:47 am was the moment of change.

Hello my wonderful, beautiful friends! You are loved and cherished and not one of you better forget it! I know I am getting at this really late but today has been one of really highs and really lows. As ya’ll know I spent a long night in the hospital. But let me give a big shout out to the most amazing DR. I was able to be seen by in the Emergency Department, STEVEN J TANKSLEY (at least that’s what was on my after visit summary so I hope its him). He was ex army and had a nice conversation with James, but also was very calm and gentle to me while I was wrapped in fear. He reassured me that with my family history my primary care was going in the right directions with the test and to just hang in there and keep my appointments. Then what he said next hit me like a ton of bricks. ” you need to know you are not doing this alone, we are here for you. If you need anything or if anything different comes up , please come back in”. I have never felt so “heard” at the DR’s and so taken care of. I had not only a great MD I had a great team of nurses looking after me. I wish I could tell them all thank you , but for the most part I couldn’t get their names because I was in a C-collar and freaking out. So if any of my sweet followers know anyone working the ED unit last night at Peace Health of Longview pass along that the shower fall girl says thank you from the bottom of my heart. But for now this is my view!37084443_2228589377154388_2344352506328383488_n

Now the importance of 6:47 am . Well, after setting my alarm for 3 am Friday to be able to talk to a friend, which didn’t happen anyways, I had a VERY stressful day with people who like to break others down and play pass the blame game. Then add the “how low of a blow can I punch” text message, at the fall around 9:30 pm, I finally hit the sack just shy of being up 24 hours. Just a few short hours later I was receiving a call from a cold hearted snake. Someone I had trusted more than anyone ever to never hurt me called just to say basically “you are nothing and never contact me again”. It was so cold it was almost not believable but hey it is what it is right? As we all know as humans we can’t make people feel anything , their feelings are their own. We also can’t force people to stay. Luckily I was able to roll over and my sleepy hubby was able to wrap his arms around me and try and squeeze the pain and hurt away. That is for a total of 30 seconds before we both overheated in the hot dang room.

As I laid there praying for sleep to take me I realized that I have gave said Iceking too much space in my head and life before it was warranted. The best advice I can give is , it is wonderful when someone wants to be in your life, but please don’t let them rent too much space in your head and heart, because if they leave they may leave a mess like some renters do, and you my dear will have to clean it all up before the next renter comes along. Many times the renter of the space in your heart and head doesn’t pay rent. Rent can be many things, but in this case money isn’t one of them. Time, love, respect and a multitude of other things. If the renter isn’t paying then it is time to evict and you are left with another mess to clean up and no one is getting there security deposit back, there are no winners to this game. Ok enough sad now on to some happy……

We have been doing some fun crafts trying to make a little money to cover cost such as gas, kids clothes, school supplies, food, you know just stuff. Some of the things we are doing is upcycling vinyl records and their covers. Well those not in the area , our town has an amazing store on the old main street  called Classic’s and Oddities ( https://www.facebook.com/ClassicsandOddities/ ). They specialize in all things retro! Games and systems, records, cassettes even some toys. There is just too much to list. If you are ever in Longview WA, you have to check them out because they are the real deal!  Also if your on Commerce AVE to check out classics , you have to also check out The Original Kristi’s Boutique Bakery    (https://www.facebook.com/kristis.custom.cakes.longview/ )

Back to the story, today he posted that he had a ton of albums that he needed to get rid of. A friend of mine saw it and tagged me in the post. Sure enough he private messaged me and told me to come get them, that he couldn’t find my past message to know how to get a hold of me. This is truly a town where small business takes care of small business. I have to share a snapshot of what our world looks like right now before we get to work.

Yeah, that is a lot of records but in our eyes its also a road to making some money for the things our babies need. With all this health stuff, looking for work right now is off , at least until I get off the crutches. With the treasures we got today, we have some great work ahead of us!!

As always thank you for taking the time to listen and to share in my happiness and pain. Life isn’t always pretty but its what you make of it after a storm that counts

Love and light and blessed be.

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July Friday the 13th 2018 be afraid…..

It is quite interesting that for 13 years, Friday the 13th was a day of celebration. A day that was always lucky and brought so much joy. Today has not been that day, but I am so very thankful for my husband/friend who held me and let me cry on his shoulder when someone else took the lowest of punches and hurt me to the core. Thankful for the whole barrage of friends on messenger who listened to me melt down and tried to give me hope and happy thoughts. It is so strange to have your feelings destroyed to the very core of your existence and yet still trying to find a happy thought. No matter how hard I tried today no happy thought would make its way to the forefront.

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how to fix your world when its turned upside down, for more than just yourself.

Continue reading “July Friday the 13th 2018 be afraid…..”

July 6th 2018…. lost.

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Hello world! I am new here if you couldn’t tell and I am here to share all my babbling, rambling silliness that my brain produces. Soon I will be a seasoned blogger and have a ton of wonderful things to share and do, but until then you get a diary of sorts. A written record of my days; the good, the bad and the oh so very ugly!

I must first address who I am and what I am all about. I am a mom of 5 beautiful babies and 2 grand babies. I have lived a life full of adventure. Now it might not be the adventure that some of you might be thinking but in our world, all adventures are wondrous and grand. I have loved and lost and loved again and lost again so many times that I can’t keep track. Enough times that I have to sit and wonder could it just be me. I have been told I am easy to love, but hey with that comes easy to leave. I have held  many jobs, attended schools and even sold stuff to survive. I have dreamed so big , that when I woke there was tears in my eyes to realize that it was just a dream. I love the outdoors but I love my bed just as much. I have had scary health issues that may come up in my babbling rants but they need their due attention as well, if only to bring things to light to get support for research. I have smoked and drank and lived the wild life, and ate clean, exercised and drank my water. I have been fat and I have been thin. Mean and spiteful along with loving and kind  all been badges I have worn. I have played the saint and the savor and the villain and enemy.

With all that said it is safe to say today I am about love, family and truth. Kindness to our fellow man doesn’t cost a thing. This page is, and always be a judge free zone. I may talk about some things that make some people uncomfortable, but in the same light they may help someone that is unable to talk their feelings out. I know people will judge what they don’t understand, but this page is not for those people. This page is for the outcast, the lonely the frustrated and weak. It is here to hopefully make you see you are not alone in your feelings, you are not crazy!!! Many nights I sat awake wondering why I had feelings that didn’t fit the social norms. Worrying about what if someone found out that I didn’t feel like everyone else. Opening social media is gamble every time. It doesn’t challenge you to better yourself, it shows you everything that everyone else has and you don’t. That’s just one of the many things I want to discuss with my followers and fans. You could have a perfect house and perfect cars and smiles in every pictures. Perfect lawn and perfect jobs and perfect kids and yet still lack true undying life long love , working  hard your whole life to live a lie and know that you are robbing yourself of true happiness. But hey look at me world at all my perfection, don’t you wish you were me.

Are you starting to see why my blog is named as it is!! It was said as a joke to someone I love dearly and as the joke left my lips, (or fingers because I was texting) I realized that it was true. I have so many feelings on so many things and up until very recently I have kept it buried inside. Then one day I realized that I NEED to be heard. I NEED to feel like I matter and last but not lease I NEED to help others. That is just who I am at my core is someone that nurtures and mothers and cares for all; I just can’t seem to do it for myself.

I know this first post is on the deeper sad side but listen that is just today. Today I grieve a love that isn’t exactly gone but not exactly here either. Let me tell you, do you wanna test your strength in faith and love? Let someone go and wish them well and hope with all your body and soul that they will find their way back to you. Scream at the top of your lungs and all that comes out is the shadow of words much like a ghost, that quietly whispers “what about me?” or in the words of my hero P!nk “to want my share is not a sin”.  I have paid the price all my life and deserve happiness just as much as the next person but some how it alludes me on every level I reach. I felt it for a short time, pure unwavering love and know that someday I will get that back but hopefully it doesn’t come knocking too late. Tomorrow is never promised and honestly love could come to talk and I could already but pushing up daisy’s. But I will stop that silly stuff for now and stop my rambling and hit the sack but I have a job for you all…… I have started some categories and this first diary post but I would LOVE to hear from all of you! What do you want me to talk about, what do you want to me to share. Ask away and I will deliver! Challenge me my lovelies push me to my limits, help me get my writing going and don’t be shy at all. Nothing is off limits!!

Goodnight and sweet sleep may your dreams be as beautiful as you are! Find your happiness and never ever let it get away!!!!!!

August 2nd. 2018

I really have to be quick tonight but I have to write cause  I can’t miss a day, but after yesterday I don’t have much brain power left. I did something I would have never guessed I would have been able to do on my own. I know so many of my friends and family have so much faith in me and think I can do anything. Well I don’t see it for sure. Yesterday I drove 772 miles round trip all by myself. Well not completely alone because my baby girl , my mini me was with me on half of it. That was the funniest part. I made sure to give her the grandest adventure!

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We stopped at the Vista House and Multnomah Falls then the Bonneville Damn. Can’t forget the quick stop at Rufus OR. A town I didn’t know existed until my check engine light came on. No adventure is complete without a few hiccups.

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Then the drop off happened and I took a quick stop at my friends on the way home. I watched the sunset , alone on a highway surrounded by corn fields. Worked hard to be good company for myself but , at last I am the last person I would like to spend time with. No wonder others don’t care too. Oh well , will sign off tonight with the beautiful wildfire smoke filled sunset.

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July..Oppsss August 1st!!!

Yah August is here!! And I am up way before normal! Last few thing getting ready for my 6.5 hour drive. Actually 13 but it will be so much more with stops and visiting. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss todays Diary entry so here I am saying a quick “Hello”! I Hope you all have a wonderful day and I will try to check in later today but who knows what the day will bring….Next step Dutch Bros for some coffee!!!

Love , light and blessed be

The Invitation

I am overwhelmed with emotions and just to tired to write tonight. My brain can no longer handle everything that is going on right now. I found this passed around facebook today. I want to share because it really really touched my heart in so many ways , I hope you feel it too.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for LOVE
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your Moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with Wildness!
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own Soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming

from the book The Invitation

 

I embark on my adventure tomorrow and am so unsure of it all. I am so stressed I loss my temper at my children and I never do that. So please pray to who ever you pray to that I find the strength to go this road alone and prove that I am a ‘big girl ‘ and I don’t need anyone.

love , light and blessed be

July 31st 2018 Goodbye July. Peace out

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blooming beauties

Goodbye July, goodbye to all the pain you have brought me. Goodbye to the heartache. Goodbye to holding on to a view of the future that someone planted in my garden of dreams. The spark will remain , tiny spark but it is wrapped in kindness and loved and put away so it doesn’t harm me any more. The spark will go in the July scrapbook and close the book and move on to the next. The flame that the spark belongs to will miss me, will wish it would have chose differently. But there is nothing I can do to help it till it helps itself. I know memories will still creep up on me but I must make the next month better.

July shouldn’t take the blame though, as I was taught, find the good in everything. So along with my ‘Goodbyes” I must “Thank you” as well. Thank you July for helping me get the courage to take the step to better my future. Thank you for showing me that it isn’t always best to trust whole heartily. Thank you for the hot summer sun to warm my skin and dry my tears so I can make good decisions. Thank you for giving me the courage to put in the application that got me the job. Thank you for helping me find the perfect car to take me on adventures. Thank you for being the summer dreams I needed, and letting go of the ones that I didn’t.

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Tomorrow is August. Hello August! Hello good times. Hello to hot summer nights and cold glasses of wine. Hello to new friends at work. Hello to adventures and big steps on my own. New sparks will be lit, new laughs and bonds will be made. Hello to helping children overcome fears as they start new schools with older kids. Hello to being able to support my family the way I have always wanted. Hello to the end of summer. Maybe now that August is here this dear flower will finish blooming!

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The summer seems so much longer than most. When so many new beginnings started and ended in such a short time it makes it seem so much longer. Then the new beginnings that are just starting now. Just a blur of emotions, for sure. But I will live every day to its fullest and be thankful for what I have. If I forget my sweet friends, to be thankful and kind, please call me out on it and help me remember!

Well I have to close this out and get my hiney to work, but know I love you all! All of you, each and every one of you  are important and needed. Thank you for being her to read my words, no matter how crazy it gets.

love , light , blessed be

Attention Mommies and Daddies part 2 And my Diary entry as well so………….. July 30th 2018

So I am here to add to the entry about Smooshins. (see Attention mommies and daddies from a day or so ago) Sadly this one turned out the WORSE of all the ones that they did. This thing is hideous! I love my girls but let me tell you …..NEVER ……AGAIN!!!!

Funny thing is I am saying never again, but low and behold I will buy cheap stuff on clearance, and the weirder the better with my kids. Infact I bought another clearance gem today but this one for my boy, and this one almost , made me vomit. But lets get back on subject. We followed directions exactly and waited all the time we needed to wait and she was so excited to open it up so here is a collage of what happened next……

Now you can clearly see that even following some of the reviews and shaking it to make sure that all parts are covered, it didn’t fully work!! The poor thing is missing her bottom. But in the true form, of the teaching of “mom”, she made the best of a bad situation ahahahahahahahahaaaa

Needless to say, I will keep the silly egg around for a bit, just incase someone makes the same mistake I did. Otherwise Smooshins were a great big bust! Not a toy for a 9 year old let alone the 7 year old that they said it was good for.

Back to work tomorrow and then a road trip to get my little lady to her friends house  hours away. It should be a grand adventure and I will be sure to share details along the way….

Goodnight, love, light and blessed be

 

 

July 29th 2018 Sunday and a day off, double win

I slept in and boy did it feel good until I tried to get out of bed. My feet hit the ground, and my feet screamed, my back screamed, even my chest hurt. That is one of the symptoms of fibro that bothers me the most, my chest hurting. It feels like someone punched me right in the sternum. Anyways , no I didn’t get through all the chores that I wanted to today because I had to take a me day and rest. But I did get one load of dishes and a load of laundry. I also made bbq chicken with homemade bbq sauce. I also made a pasta salad that I dubbed my emo salad. It was a pasta salad that I added bacon that I burned slightly so it was dark, olives, again dark and chocolate cherry tomatoes that I grew, which are a dark brown. So the salad go so dark it certainly earned its name of ’emo pasta salad’. I think the guys of the house and the kids were pretty happy mom was home to make a home cooked, from scratch meal.

That is only one of the things that has changed since I started working. The are getting a lot more quick meals that can be just thrown together. A LOT of chores are going undone and so many craft projects that have been pushed to the side. The yard is a jungle and a mess and I feel like there just isn’t enough time in the day and strength in my body to get it all done.

I know before any of you say it, yes there are other people in this house that could help. The problem is that , not one will do something unless I am on their back riding them about it. Then that in itself gets old and I feel like I am nothing but a nag. Surely I can’t be the only one that can see the dishes piling up and the laundry not done. Surely I can’t be the only one to notice that the yard is so out of control the back isn’t even really a yard anymore. I wanna go sit around the fire pit and just be family but with my allergies I can’t even go out there for more than a few mins before I start having breathing issues.

I also know this mess that I am in, when it comes to the lack of help around here; is a mess that was of my own making. I know I did it all and didn’t make them responsible for their own choices to do or not do stuff. But really it takes mom/wife losing her shit before anyone puts down their electronic and do something to help. If the only time people listen is when I lose my shit then it comes a time where saying anything is just redundant .

The best I can say is now is the time that I have to stand up on my own and learn to deal with the pain, house and work. Find balance in it all and what I can’t do, pay someone to do it for me. I don’t wanna be a nag anymore. I am so much more than that but no one can see it cause its all I do around here.

May Monday bring more answers and may it bring you all peace and love…..

Don’t let the Mondays bring you down… blessed be